For the longest time, I mistook my spiritual hunger, my desire to be with something greater than myself, the creator of everything, for some other kind of hunger. I imagined that I was hungry for companionship or money. I imagined I was hungry for power or fortune.
But that wasn’t it at all. I was actually hungry for a deeper relationship with God.
Somehow It’s Shameful in the Modern World to Have Spiritual Hunger
I don’t know why but there’s this trend in the modern (scientific and rational) world to throw away spirituality or love for God and go for something else more acceptable. It’s okay to be sexually promiscuous and use your body to find acceptance and love. But it’s not okay to search for God, read scriptures, and use that knowledge to love yourself.
I’m not saying that I am religious. From when I was young, I hated the idea and practice of organized religion. Even back then, I knew that the whole structure of religion was based on a shaky foundation and was used by hypocrites to perpetuate their false reputation.
Terrible people who beat up their children and wife would go to a temple and pretend like they were the epitome of goodness. It made me sick.
So religion wasn’t for me. But prayer was. A relationship and conversation with God directly was.
I would sit in my bed before falling asleep every night and thank God in my simple words for everything that I had, everything that I was, and everything that I had the potential to be. I would have a simple conversation with him and fall asleep happy that he was around me taking care of me and loving me.
But somehow I was afraid of being judged by others for this simple relationship I had with God. I feared that they would laugh at me and find me insane for loving something that cannot be seen, touched, or felt. How stupid was I?!
I would pray in secrecy. And then eventually, I prayed not at all. I lost that part of me because foolishly I was afraid of outside judgment. Seriously, I still lament that silly decision of mine. I betrayed God’s trust in me, and I feel like an idiot for doing so.
I Was So Hungry for God but I Mistook It for Other Hungers
Truly, I knew that I was hungry for something, but I had forgotten it could be my relationship with God. I substituted many things in turn.
Trying these other things, I was disappointed every single time.
It wasn’t food that I was hungry for. No matter how delicious it was, it didn’t satisfy.
It wasn’t relationships I was hungry for. No matter how much love I received from others around me, it didn’t satisfy.
It wasn’t fortune I was hungry for. No matter how much money I accumulated, it didn’t satisfy.
It wasn’t fame I was hungry for. No matter how many followers I had, it didn’t satisfy.
I tried many other things. Aikido lessons, ukulele lessons, Zumba lessons, ballet dancing lessons, bungee jumping, horse riding lessons, traveling, modern dancing lessons, and more.
Nothing satisfied long term. Soon thereafter I was hungry again. Wanting, desiring, unsatiated.
Thankfully God Brought Me Back under His Tutelage Again
I was getting apathetic and tired of it all. I didn’t know what else to do. Thankfully, I found God again and I was able to start my prayers and conversations with him again.
It’s so simple now. To live and to be alive. A day that has a conversation with him in any form is a good day. it’s a satisfactory day. It could be meditation or just a simple walk in nature.
A day without it (I try not to have too many of those) is a day wasted.
That’s it. It’s what I have discovered in my own life.
If you are suffering from an unexplained hunger yourself, I would recommend you look deeper into what the actual source of your hunger is. Maybe it isn’t buying more stuff that will make you happy. But getting back in touch with that source that created you.
He’s waiting for you to come back to him (I use the word him for convenience sake – but God is ungendered).
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you have a relationship with God? Do you hunger for something unexplained? What do you do about this spiritual hunger?