2 In Relationships

Biggest Mistake Is To Assume Other People Think Like You

One of the first times I realized that people think differently from each other was when I saw the post about the glass half full, and glass half empty. How an optimist vs. a pessimist views a glass of water. It was really fascinating to me, that people could be looking at the same exact thing, and be seeing completely different things. I also read that people have different colour rods in their eyes, and that means, that if you are looking at a blue dress, and I am looking at a blue dress, we are both seeing a different shade of blue!!!

I mean, absolutely mind blowing. But not only that, it also gives us a lot of food for thought. What does this mean for humans, when we are having a conversation or trying to negotiate a deal or running a country? Because everyone, every single person on this planet is going to look at the same exact issue, in 7 billion different ways. That’s what is the fascinating thing about being a human on this diverse, multicultural, multi-lingual planet right now.

You cannot believe even for a second that other people think like you.

Not only do people differ in their genetic structures, but also in life experiences, and in their physical bodies, and so much more. There are so many things differentiating us from the person next door. 

Most Fights Or Arguments Occur When We Refuse To See This Truth

As I venture through the world, I realize that most of my fights, with my parents, with my colleagues, or with my partners, happen because I am looking at the world from a different lens then them. Not only that, I am making an assumption that they are looking at the world from the same viewpoint as me. Which means, that I get angry with them, when they don’t agree with me.

It’s like I am looking at an issue, and it’s so clear to me what the problem is. But they are looking at the same issue, and sometimes they don’t even see the issue as an issue at all. Wow, that used to make me really angry. As if they were deliberately trying to disagree with me. Why would they do that? I mean, why!

The more I learn about this, the more I realize that people aren't deliberately disagreeing with you. Click To Tweet

They don’t hate you. They aren’t not on your side. It’s not like they want you to hate them.

But they are looking at things from their own unique perspective. A perspective that we could never ever match, because we cannot stand in their shoes entirely ever. We can try to stand in their shoes, but even those shoes will never fit us completely. It’s not possible.

Everyone Has To Agree With Every Viewpoint Of Mine, Otherwise They Are Evil

I used to notice this tendency of mine to label everyone who didn’t agree with me, as evil. They are evil, because they believe in buying things, and I believe in minimalism. They are evil, because I believe in eating meat (or not eating meat), and they believe in the opposite.

This is the way we form boundaries between ourselves and the world. We create separation between ourselves and everyone else around them.

It’s us against them. It’s us against the world. Us against the entire universe.

What kind of world would we be living in, if we did that? A really scary, and lonely place, to be sure.

Once, I started working with a different viewpoint, that everyone is doing the best they can, and they are not disagreeing with me, because they hate me, but because they genuinely have that opinion, my entire perspective on arguments shifted. There is no point having arguments with people anymore. You are not going to shift them to your way of thinking, and you don’t need to. There is an absolute need for a diversity of opinions on this planet, because that’s what makes us resilient to change and makes us grow.

We Make Up Random Rules In Our Head, That No One Else Is Aware Of

Recently, I had this young woman message me on Facebook. She said that she felt alone because none of her friends reciprocated her friendship in the way that she did. In her mind, friendship means, her friends should initiate meet-ups or call her as often as she does. According to her, they initiated but rarely and that made her feel that they weren’t true friends of hers.

I knew exactly what she was feeling, because that’s what I had felt like when I was younger as well.

But I gave her this advice, which is what I follow now. I said, “This rule that you have made up in your head that says, good friends should initiate more often and call me more often, that is just a rule that you made up. It’s not real. It’s not a rule written down in everyone’s handbooks. Your friends probably have no idea that you think this way. They don’t know that you feel lonely and friendless, because they don’t initiate. If you had a conversation with them, telling them this, perhaps, then they will understand you better, and then you can have a better friendship?”

The truth is every one of us has random rules ingrained into our heads. This is the way friendships work. The way schools should work. This is the way relationships must work.

And these rules are only in our own heads. No one really knows of them. So when we meet someone new, they have no idea we think this way!

Every New Person In Your Life Must Be Told Of Your Unwritten Rules

If you find that you are entering into way too many arguments with someone in your life, you are probably fighting over some unwritten rule that you or them have written out in our heads. You are arguing because they feel like you’ve wronged them in some way (or vice versa), and the other person has no idea why or how they have wronged you.

I have had so many arguments recently, that when I dissected further, I realized that the person wasn’t fighting with me, because they hate me. But because they had an idea in their head, and I had an idea in my head, and those ideas didn’t mesh with each other. Which meant that we were butting heads over legalese, over minutiae, over details.

My recommendation now to everyone new is to tell me what their unwritten rules are. For example, if I start getting angry with someone because they always call me in the middle of the night complaining to me about their partner, then I ask them if that is a rule in their head of how friendships work. If it is, then I must share my rule that says, friends do not disturb me in the middle of the night and disturb my sleep.

After that, we would have to find a compromise of some sort. Like, perhaps, she could email me her sorrows, instead of calling me. Or we could have a time set up during lunchtime to chat. Or something to that effect.

There is always a solution to all of these random inane fights or arguments that we end up having with our loved ones.

Generation Gaps Are Exactly About This Sort of Mismatch

When I first told my father that I wanted to quit my job and travel the world, and find a way to sustain myself online so I could continue doing that, he was extremely angry. Angrier than I had ever seen him.

I was young then, and I had no idea why he was getting so angry over nothing. I was living my life. Not doing drugs or drinking alcohol. I wasn’t asking him for money to do this. I was just living our my dreams.

Why was that such a cause for fervour and anger?

As I get older, I realize that my father’s generation had a certain way of thinking, a certain way of living, and that thinking was severely disturbed by my new fangled way of thinking. It was too radical. Too far out. Not traditional enough. It jerked him out of his normal way of thinking and disturbed him.

Nowadays, whenever I want to share one of my new ideas with him, I do it gently. I use graphs and statistics. I try to ensure that I am not just throwing it upon him like a bucket of acid, but slowly soothing him and asking him to understand through soft arguments, and cushiony statistics.

For example, when I first told him I wanted to move to Chiang Mai, I started off by sending him articles from Forbes, and other well-known traditional magazines, publications that he trusted, that said, Chiang Mai was one of the safest and most entrepreneurial cities in the world. That took the edge off. So then, when I told him I was moving there, it wasn’t such a shock to him. If Forbes didn’t condemn Chiang Mai, then it can’t be that bad, can it?

When We Show People A New Way Of Thinking, People Feel Like We Are Challenging Their Core

A great example of this is when I tell my women friends that I do not want children, and I definitely do not want to be married. I have known this ever since I was a young child, and even then people always told me that I would change my mind.

But now at 34, I know that I am not going to change my mind, and I am never going to want children or a marriage.

It’s fascinating to me, how every single time I say this to someone who is married or has children, they get extremely angry about it. I mean, raging mad. I don’t get it. Why are you so angry that I don’t want to do what you did? It doesn’t make any sense. I’m not angry that you are living the life you are leading, so why are you angry with me for wanting to live a different life?

It’s because, I realize now, people feel challenged in their own beliefs, when someone around them starts living a life opposite to them. It’s like that new person is telling them that their belief systems are shite, and they don’t know what they are talking about. Of course, that new person isn’t doing that. That new person is just living their own life as best as they can, and they want you to do the same.

But, people feel challenged. They feel like everyone is telling them that they are doing the wrong thing, and they need to start defending themselves against all of the naysayers.

If People Are Disagreeing With You, That’s Actually A Good Thing

I have a YouTube channel that I started a year ago, for INFJs, and the Myers-Briggs personality type test. It’s a fascinating subject, at least to me, and I love sharing my opinions on it in such a public way. It gives me great joy.

But I notice that I get more pleasure from people disagreeing with me, than agreeing with me. I get a lot of people telling me that they really resonate with my ideas, and they love my content. Which is really gratifying to hear, of course. But, I don’t learn anything from those comments, because those people think exactly the same as me.

Then, there are those people who rip my stuff apart, and make me feel like shit. At least in the moment. But after, I am able to learn from them, and grow as a human being.

In addition, if people are disagreeing with you, that means, that you’ve triggered them in a way that really means something awesome, and that’s a great thing to do in this world where everyone is a sheep, saying yes to everyone that is around them. We want to be able to create content that jars people into thinking in a different way, perhaps, even a better way.

People only disagree with ideas and thoughts that are either really drastically different from their own, or ideas and thoughts that they secretly believe, but would like not to believe.

At least that is the case for me.

How To Put Ourselves In Other People’s Shoes

One of the ways I try to put myself in another’s way of thinking is by figuring out what their MBTI type is. You can check this out at 16personalities.com. What it gives me is a basic understanding of how this person thinks, and moves through the world.

It is just a basic understanding, but even with the basics, I am able to form a better bond with the person standing in front of me, than if I went in completely blind, and completely unaware of what they were like.

For example, if they are a thinker, since I am a feeler, I will try to use more thinking words, and thinking metaphors. I won’t say, I feel or I believe as often. I will say, I think or I know, more often. Little things like that can change the entire paradigm of a relationship, especially when it’s in its first stages and still quite fragile.

As I end this blog post, I would love to hear from you guys on how you put yourself into other people’s shoes. How do you avoid thinking that other people think like you? I’m always looking to learn from others, and this forum is a great way to learn from each other. That is why I love the Internet so much, because I can learn from dozens of people at once, rather than just a one-on-one teacher-student interaction that I had before.

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2 Comments

  • Reply
    Dina Cavanaugh
    May 3, 2018 at 11:53 pm

    Awesome post. Thank you!

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