I poison my mind and so does everyone else, as Atticus clearly tells us.
“We drink the poison our minds pour for us and wonder why we feel sick.” — Atticus
Let me start with a story of how I poison my mind with my anxious spiraling thoughts. I am booking a hotel in Jakarta right now for the quarantine. I had been procrastinating over the past few days, because I didn’t know which hotel to choose.
Picked two of them, but I didn’t know which one of the two I would finally go for. Today, I received an email from one of them saying that the Indonesian COVID Task Force had changed some policies, and now their hotel is no longer part of the group of hotels that does quarantine.
I had a heart attack, I must admit. A mini one. But even so, my anxiety levels started soaring through the roof. I took a few deep breaths and told myself that the universe is always doing things to take care of me. So I have nothing to worry about.
That helped for a bit, but then my anxious thoughts would come creeping back in.
Read on to see how I poisoned my mind for the whole day with negative thoughts about this.
The Universe Is Trying to Take Care of Us but We Don’t Pay Attention
I did a meditation with a divine goddess that I follow, Tara. But it only helped a bit to soothe the anxiety that was assuaging my heart. I was so worried. What if the whole quarantine thing falls through? And what if I can’t get into Bali? What if, what if, what if???
My mind was a complete mess. I went for a walk so I could contain myself and my madness. But again, it only helped a bit. I came back worked for a bit, and then I did some yoga to move some of this torturous energy around.
Feeling much calmer after the yoga, I told myself again that the universe always does things for me, not against me. It might seem like it’s not for me at first, but it is always for me in hindsight. For my growth, and development.
I went back to work after lunch, and felt really calm. I didn’t think about the hotel thing at all after that.
A few minutes later, I realized I had an email in my inbox. It was from one of the hotels I had messaged earlier in my frenzied attempt to get into one of the hotels on the new list. They said they could book me in. The hotel was cheaper than the ones I was looking at before. And it was in a great location with good internet.
In every aspect, this hotel was better than the ones I was looking at and cheaper.
The universe was truly trying to take care of me, in her own divine manner. But in my fearful state, I couldn’t see it. I poison my mind with the negative thoughts so much that I can’t see anything else besides the poisonous thoughts.
Why Do I Poison My Mind?
I had a conversation with my sister after. She shook her head at my story, not because she was disappointed in me, but because she herself has gone through this maddening scenario many times.
Why do we do this to ourselves?, she asked me.
I have no idea, I answered.
Even though I am quite aware of how I poison my mind, I still can’t stop it in its tracks, and I am diverted into an ocean of maddening thoughts and negativity. Why can’t I stop this spiral? It just sucks me in.
I was freaking out because of that one email. But I have proof from hundreds of previous situations where this kind of thing happened and it was actually the universe taking care of me, and giving me a nudge in the right direction. It worked out perfectly in those situations. So why do I have a hard time believing that it wouldn’t work out this time?
It’s so foolish, that I can’t stand it anymore.
I Know I Poison My Mind but I Still Keep Repeating the Madness
The problem is that this morning (and every time this happens), I could feel myself slipping into that negative spiral of poisonous thinking. I knew I was going into the abyss and I could feel myself slipping into it.
Why can’t I just stop myself? Am I addicted to the negative thoughts? Am I addicted to torturing myself? What is going on here?
Thankfully, due to the copious amounts of meditation and yoga I do, I’m getting better at pulling myself out of the pit of depression and anxiety. But it’s still so very hard. It takes a lot of effort.
My mind is just SOOOO good at making up worst-case scenarios and making it seem like the world is ending and there’s nothing I can do about it. I poison my mind and I am great at it. Too bad, I can’t put it on my resume as a skill.
It’s Just a Glitch in the Matrix That Will Help You Grow
I have to say that I am getting better at catching myself when I fall into this pit of madness and despair, and then pulling myself out, without outside intervention. Previously, I would need lots of sugar, or carbs, or venting, or crying, or yelling, or fighting, or something else, to feel better after such a scenario.
It doesn’t mean that I want to continue this pattern for the rest of my life. My ardent desire is to get to a point where I can see myself getting into a negative spiral and stop myself right there and then and move into a state of bliss, acceptance, and understanding.
I KNOW why the universe is doing what it does – it’s to benefit me. Nothing else. So why do I fear these changes?
Why do I go all bonkers and gaga when something changes in the Matrix? It’s just a glitch that’s meant to aid me. Nothing else.
If I could only remember that and truly trust and believe in the universe’s love and benevolence. That’s one of the reasons why I am working with Tara, the goddess of divine grace and compassion. She helps me understand how much the universe is protecting and buffering me from terrible states and negative situations.
I’m so lucky. I’m so taken care of AND loved. If only I could remember that in every single moment of life, even when things aren’t going exactly as I want them to.
What do you think? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.