I’m in my 30s now, and it’s a weird thing. I have never been happier, and I have never felt better. But so many people message me or talk to me all the time about wanting to be 20 again. “I wish I could be 20 again.” They say over and over again.
I also recently watched an Anime (love them) and it was again portraying this emotion of wanting to go back, wanting no regrets, wanting to go back and warn our younger self, wanting to go back and correct all of our mistakes. All of this started making me think, as it always does. Life happens, and then it triggers something inside of me, and then I go into this deep spiral of self-reflection, and self-analysis.
The main question I had for myself was “Am I the same as these people? Do I want to go back again as well? Do I want to be 20 again?”
If it isn’t obvious already, the answer for me was a resolute ‘No’. This blog post is all about why I think that way, why I would never want to go back, and why I am so happy being here right now in this moment as I am.
I Hated Myself In My 20s
The main reason I don’t want to go back to my 20s (there are many good reasons for this) is that I was a fool when I was in my 20s. I’m sure, I am going to say the same thing about myself when I am in my 40s, about my 30s, but right now, I feel strongly about being an absolute fool in my 20s.
I didn’t know anything. Horribly, I thought I knew everything, but I didn’t. Even more horribly, I lauded my ignorance over everyone, not listening to anyone’s well meant advice, and running around all over the place in my wrongness. I also made a lot of mistakes, some of them were necessary, and others were quite unnecessary.
More importantly, I hated myself in my 20s. I didn’t like who I was, and I wanted to be someone else. But instead of fixing who I am, I always looked to the future, to someone else, to clothes, to consumerism, to something outside of me, to change me, to make me love me, to make me a better person.
God, even the thought of my 20-year-old self makes me want to cringe. Thank God, I can’t go back. I wouldn’t want to go back there.
I Was So Lost And Unaware In My 20s
One of my main thoughts of my 20-year-old self was how lost I was in my mind, and body. I didn’t know how my body worked. I didn’t understand who I was, or where I was going. But my main concern for my 20-year-old self was that I didn’t know what I was doing on this planet. I didn’t know anything.
What was my purpose? No clue.
Why was I here? No idea.
Where was I going? Beats me.
[bctt tweet=”I was completely and utterly lost.” username=”BoomShikha”]
Of course, you might say, you had to go through the darkness to get to the light here. And I would say, that’s not the point. I had to go through that, of course, to get here, but my main point is that I don’t ever want to go back to being that lost 20-year-old.
So much of my time was spent searching, and searching, and searching for answers. I wanted to know what was my purpose, but there was no answer forthcoming. I was completely lost.
When I think of myself so lost and wandering, it makes me want to cry. And I never ever want to go back to being so lost again.
I Let Others Sway Me Way Too Easily In My 20s
It isn’t something I am proud of, not something I like talking about. But when I was in my 20s, I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be popular, I wanted to have friends, and I didn’t want to be alone. I had spent a lot of my tweens, and teen years in absolute loneliness, and desperation to be accepted.
Thus, in my 20s, I decided enough is enough. I don’t have braces or glasses anymore. Reasonably good-looking, I think I can do this. I decided to go for it.
Of course, if you want friends in this day and age, you have to convolute and change yourself to be something you are not, so that everyone loves and adores you for something they want you to be. Ironic much?
Desperate in my need to be accepted, I changed myself. I let others tell me what they wanted me to be. I was what they wanted me to be – social, extroverted, loud, club-goer, drinker, foodie, nympho, and more. There were many labels that were applied to me. I didn’t want all of those labels. Some of those labels were downright despicable to me. But still, I accepted them all, because I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved. I wanted friends.
Thankfully, oh god, thankfully, I don’t have to do it anymore. I don’t. There is no need. I don’t need friends anymore. I don’t want friends. Thank God, I am happy now to be on my own. I love being in my 30s for this reason and more.
I Didn’t Trust My Intuition Enough In My 20s
This was a big shame in my 20s, that I didn’t trust my intuition enough when it told me to run away from someone, or run towards something. I didn’t trust it enough. In fact, who are we kidding? I didn’t trust it at all. I was afraid of what it was telling me –
- First, it was telling me that I was wasting my life chasing after boys, and after dreams that were not my own.
- Second, it was telling me that creativity is my path, even if I never make any money from it.
- Third, it was telling me that I was a fool to change myself for others, and to follow my own dreams as they are without tweaking them, because that’s where my true path lies.
I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen. Afraid to listen, I ignored my intuition for much of my 20s. Finally, when I did start listening to it, I realized that I was so off-course now, because I had spent so much of my life ignoring it. It’s like my flight which was supposed to land in London, ended up in Alaska, instead, because of the wrong path dictated by lack of intuition.
But, now, I do nothing without listening to my intuition first. My intuition is my God, my saviour, my guide. If it gives me any information, I listen to her, without question. There is no doubt in my head about her. She knows all, and she knows everything that is good for me, and good about me. I need no one else, because I have her.
I Let Other People Dictate My Path For Me In My 20s
This is another biggie. I told you guys I was lost in my 20s. But that wasn’t the problem. I was so worried about being lost and about following the crowd, that I let other people, people who didn’t really care about me, dictate my path for me.
[bctt tweet=”I was treading on a path that wasn’t my own, based on feedback by people who I would never see again.” username=”BoomShikha”]
People like university professors, guidance counsellors from high school, relatives from my mother’s side who lived in remote villages in India, and more shit like that. God, even the thought of this makes me want to punch my 20-year-old self in the face.
I was so stupid! God, how did I even get to the ripe old age of 34?
Anyways, of course, the point of all of this is that now I never ever listen to anyone about my path. No one dictates it except me. Even if every other person on the planet thinks I am being an absolute idiot with my path, I still follow it.
“What? You want to quit your high-paying job, travel half-way across the world, get a job on a detox resort on a remote island in the south of Thailand, and live barefoot by the ocean in a tiny bamboo bungalow with cold water showers, no flush toilet, and electricity only half the day?”
Umm, yeah. I do. And you can’t do anything about it. So suck it.
I Am Not Perfect But I Love Being In My 30s, I Never Want To Go Back
Let’s get something straight, guys. I’m not perfect. Oh, no. Not even close. Not even remotely in the vicinity of being perfect. In fact, I am as imperfect as they come. I am even more imperfect than the most imperfect person you have met.
I am not saying that my life is perfect. But I can definitely say that whatever I am doing right now, whatever path I’m on right now, and whatever I spend my time working on, is all stuff that I have deliberated on with my intuition, and we have decided on this beautiful life creation engineered through strife, goal setting, and awesome visualization. It’s all good stuff. I’m lucky.
I wouldn’t want it any other way. In my 30s, finally, I feel that sense of peace and contentment that lacked throughout my 20s. I had none of that in my 20s. I wanted, and craved peace so badly. But I never had it.
Now, for the first time, I wake up every morning, and I feel good about my path, and I feel good about where I am going with myself. I am not a waste of space, I am not a useless piece of crap, I am not wasting my life away.
Everything I do has purpose, and meaning, and gives me great joy and solace. I am contributing in a way that matters to me in this world. Even if it doesn’t matter to anyone else.
To Me, Life Is All About Moving Forward And Upward
Why do I spend so much of my time sharing so much of my story and words? Is it really a useful thing? I get messages on Facebook, and on email every day from people who read my stuff and felt inspired to make some changes in their own life. But that’s not why I am sharing these moments.
I think it’s mostly for myself. Reminding myself of how stupid I was when I was in my 20s. Telling myself, informing myself how far I have come.
You know, I forget that quite often. I have done so much work on myself, and there’s so much more work to be done. I am not done yet, not even close. There’s so much more to do and so long to go still. I will be on this path forever, until I die, and even beyond to all of my 85,000 reincarnations.
I want to share this with you and with myself, because life is all about growth and potentiality for me. Really, I want to live at my highest potential. I don’t want to be a waste of space to myself. I want to believe that I am creating a difference in my own little way. There is so little time that I have. Such few moments. Before I know it, they will all be gone, and I’ll breathe my last breath.
What will I tell myself in that last moment? Will I say that I lived the life that I wanted or will I say that I wasted it all away?
I’m Closer Than Ever To Reaching My Highest Potential Now
I don’t know much about you. Where you are or where you are going. I don’t know anything about if you like yourself or if you hate yourself. If you think you are a waste of space or if you are reaching your highest potential, I want to share with you that it is possible to get there. No matter where you start from… because I started from the lowest of low.
Really, I did. I was beyond help or that’s what I thought. I was beyond reparation, or that’s what I thought.
But slowly, through the remedial power of meditation, morning routines, persistence, consistency, and self-efficacy, I moved onward and upward towards my potential.
This potential is visible only to me. And that’s only who it should be visible to. It’s not about becoming a millionaire or having a million Instagram followers. It isn’t about fame or fortune.
It’s about being able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and knowing that I respect myself, I like myself, and I could even say that I love myself beyond measure.
It’s not about ego or boosting my pride. I have enough of that, thank you very much. I am here, and I want to tell you, that it’s all good. I’m there. I love myself. Finally in my 30s, I have reached this pinnacle that I craved, this peace, and contentment that I desired.
And I want the same for you. That’s why I write these posts sharing my stories. I hope they help you.