I read somewhere that INFJs are people pleasers who hate people, and that description could not be more apt. At least for me.
I love people, but hate humanity. I also have had a weird childhood, where I felt unworthy of love over and over again, resulting in me doing anything and everything to prove my worthiness to the people around me. This included being an extreme people pleaser, who would do anything to get a smile or a note of approval from my friends, family, and coworkers.
The problem is that narcissists or toxic people sense this people pleasing tendency within us, and gravitate towards us, not only because we are filled with light and empathic healing tendencies, but because they know we want to make them happy and we will do anything to do so.
In essence, we will degrade our own selves, physically, mentally, and spiritually, in order to take care of the people around us. Which is made worse when we are doing it for a person who is essentially toxic and an energy vampire, and who’s just going to keep on taking and taking from us, without giving anything in return. This depletes us even further, and makes us feel even less worthy of the world and of the love around us.
The First Step To Alleviate This Is Build Your Self Love Package – Don’t Be A People Pleaser
Whenever I do any video on INFJs on my YouTube channel, I am always trying to emphasize the importance of self-love. I think it’s one of those things that moves us from being an unhealthy INFJ to a healthy one.
Why is it so important for us to learn self-love? Because it increases our self-esteem, and our belief in our own worthiness.
Even if your parents didn’t teach you this oh-so-valuable trait, it is essential that you as an adult INFJ learn it asap. You are absolutely worthy of love, and you are indeed essential to this world.
The universe worked extremely hard and created a myriad sequence of coincidences in order to ensure that you are alive on this planet right now. The universe doesn’t do anything randomly or meaninglessly. Everything that is on the planet right now is here for a reason, and that includes you.
What is the purpose of your life? That is something you have to figure out on your own.
But know this – you are absolutely here for an important reason.
And therefore, you are worthy. Of love, of respect, of boundaries, of whatever else you can think of. Do not let others tell you otherwise.
The Second Step To This Is To Realize Being A People Pleaser Never Gets You Far In Life
You might think that people will love you more if you do everything to please them, but if it’s coming from a source of negative self-worth, no matter what you do, especially for toxic people, it will never be enough. They are constantly going to want more and more and you are going to burnout giving them everything they need.
The most important thing after self-love is self-care for a healthy INFJ. You’ve heard of the adage – You can’t give to others, if your cup isn’t full.
And that is never truer than in the case of a people-pleaser INFJ. We want everyone around us to be extremely happy. That’s our thing. It makes us happy to have the people around us happy.
Put On Your Oxygen Mask First
But, what if we are giving to others, without taking care of ourselves first? We are going to deplete ourselves, and then we are going to end up resenting the person who were giving to in the first place. Even if they weren’t asking for our care.
No matter how much you want to take care of others, do not even think about doing that, unless you have done everything to take care of yourself first.
Eat all three meals, sleep 8 hours daily, drink enough water to stay hydrated, take care of your introverted needs, spend time getting massages or pedicures or something else indulgent.
After you’ve taken care of yourself, then and only then, do you take care of others. This way, you are putting on your mask first and not suffocating yourself in the process.
Finally, Realize That Some People Are Beyond Help And You Need To Let Them Go
This realization came pretty late in my life and that’s why I want to share it with all of the younger INFJs out there sooner rather than later. It’s such an important lesson for INFJs, who fancy themselves as some sort of spiritual warriors slash saviours of the world.
We cannot and will not be able to save everyone out there. It’s just impossible. Not only because we do not have enough energy to save everyone, but also because most people actually do not want to change. They want to stay enamoured in their toxic ways of doing things, and no matter how hard you try to budge them from their negative ways, they will just stay put.
We need to learn to stop wasting energy on people who don’t actually want to receive it.
Take Care Of Others In A Meaningful Way To You
Of course, once we have taken care of ourselves, we should focus on taking care of, and giving to those people who are intentionally and consciously looking to change and improve themselves. Those are the people who deserve and need our help directly.
I think one of the reasons why INFJs feel lost in this world, and also feel like they aren’t contributing in any meaningful way, is because we spend all of our time and energy focusing on changing the wrong kind of people. If you spend all of your life like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up a hill, then it’s going to feel exhausting, and meaningless.
INFJs need to stop rolling that damn boulder up that useless hill, and focus on rolling some easier boulders up some more useful hills (hope this random analogy made sense – it did in my weird INFJ mind).
Take inventory of all of the useless hills in your life, and start moving your attention over to some easier and more useful hills asap.